I have
re-written this post several times now. I wish sex were easier to talk
about! The first post moved toward the topic from a round-about way…no
good. The second one went straight for it, aiming to debunk a lot of the
myths about sex and the Christian faith out there. A little too
challenging. I felt led to hold onto that for some other time. This
is attempt number three.
I
prayed about how we might, as a community, reflect further on this topic for
our lives. It has been a conviction of mine that some of the
unpleasantness of discussing the gospel implications for our sexuality would go
away if we were more comfortable sharing our own experiences of striving toward
faithfulness. So I’ll try to lead the way with that.
For me,
sexual faithfulness was a difficult struggle. And who am I kidding – it still is and probably always will
be! From high school through my young adult life, times of loneliness or
depression caused me to yearn for some kind of outlet. Like many
Christians, I knew that God’s standards were good. The problem was when I
failed to meet them. I would grow discouraged about myself. I would
also be tempted to think God wasn’t doing his part. Why wasn’t he
“delivering me from evil”, as the Lord’s Prayer puts it?
One way to make this process easier is to pretend the Bible doesn't say what we think it says. This is the easiest and, in my opinion, the most typical solution to not wanting to do what a text says - we persuade ourselves it doesn't really say it. On the other hand, if we
acknowledge God’s standards, but find ourselves failing to meet them, we can
find ourselves living a half-hearted Christian life with no sense of victory over temptation. This is just plain frustrating. Neither of these is what God has in mind. Kevin’s
message gave us an inspiring alternative: a challenge for us to help each other live into
the sexual faithfulness God has planned for us. So where do we find
the grace to pick one another up again if we fall? How do we encourage one another to set both feet firmly upon God's path of sexual faithfulness?
I think the answer has to do with knowing how we needed help, who God sent to help us, and being able to explain the sense of positive change. God has
sent people to me when I needed them.
One became a friend during a time when I worked in a Christian
bookstore. He was about my
parents’ age. He was honest, had a great sense of humor, and I could tell
he took God very seriously. We became friends. We were meeting at
Starbucks one time and he asked how he could pray for me. I might have
thought of an easier request, but I said to myself, “OK, here goes…”. I
asked him to pray for my struggle with sexual sin. And we had a great
conversation. We talked about how common this struggle was,
but how few can admit it. He almost seemed relieved that I could admit
it!
He
loaned me a Roman Catholic resource on Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body
that I could drive around and listen to. It presented a vision of sexual
flourishing and faithfulness that went way beyond questions of what to say “no”
to. I was fascinated. I read
St. Augustine’s Confessions. It was a very tough read – very
philosophical. But a beautiful idea flowed through it – our desires,
misguided though they can be, are good.
God gave them to us, and he longs to direct them to the
purpose for which he created them.
This is our joy. This is
the best life for us! I also read C.S. Lewis’ books such as The Great Divorce,
the Four Loves, Weight of Glory, and the Screwtape Letters which helped me to see
that as wonderful as creation is, nothing on earth can satisfy the true desire
of our hearts except for God. We have a God-shaped hole inside of
us. He is the one we are restless to know.
Pretty
heady stuff! But the grace of Christ kept me grounded. When I would
fail, I had to trust that Christ would make me whole again. Christ’s
death for me was intended to give me a sure hope for fulfillment in this life and beyond it.
There
was a time when I thought that this struggle was God’s way of preparing me for
a life of singleness. Well, as you may know, God had
surprises down the road and I fell in love with Jessica. But whether I had been single or
married, these lessons helped me to realize something important about
myself. When I was single and not
having sex, it did not mean I lacked maturity. It did not mean I was closed off to people or repressed in
any way. I was surely lonely
sometimes, but it didn’t make me half a person or inadequate in any way. I had good friendships, a strong sense of purpose, and a faith that was growing stronger through learning to
struggle well. I was learning the
meaning of true maturity that is expressed in James 1:2-4: “My brothers and
sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy,
because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let
endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking
in nothing.”
Now of
course, I’m not fully mature and I still struggle. But I am encouraged to see that I have opportunities
everyday to say “thank you” for each blessing. When we live by gratitude, we are less tempted to grasp more
for ourselves than God would want us to have.
Reflection
Questions:
1) What struggles in your life do you
find embarrassing and difficult to share with others? Has someone surprised you with his or her gentleness and
faithfulness?
2) Some people - ok, most people - struggle with sexual weakness. (Augustine once prayed to God, "give me chastity...but not yet.") Others have been hurt by someone else's sexual weakness. Which best fits you? Neither? Both?
3) Look at the James passage above. Put into your own words what you think it means to be "mature and complete, lacking in nothing."
Prayer: Lord, give us grace to cherish the gift of our bodies and desires while also having a God-fearing respect for the way you have designed us and for the boundaries you give us for sexual wholeness. Prune away anything sinful or false in us so that we may abide perfectly in the vine, Jesus Christ. Amen.
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